♪ ♪ I used to be the queen of the music scene ♪
♪ Cristal, Prada, Limousines. ♪
♪ I was living large 'til trouble found me. ♪
♪ Found me. ♪
♪ And now I'm stuck in hell, suburbia, ♪
♪ never knew what two kids could do to ya ♪
♪ Soccer moms and carpools make me... ♪
♪ SCREAM! ♪
♪ (Screams) ♪
♪ This is gonna be tough, but I gotta ♪
♪ M-m... Mother Up! ♪
Thank you for saving my sister's life... Where's our mom?
She's sleepy, honey.
I don't mind helping out.
Hi Rudi.
If you're not coffee, shut up.
Okay, kids, we're out the door in ninety one seconds.
Get your backpacks.
Are you the new nanny?
Thank God.
Rudi, it's Sarah.
...because I was having this horrific nightmare
where I had to do all this home-maker
horse-crap myself...
Rudi, it's me, Sarah.
Your friend.
You could be the nanny and my friend.
It works in the movies all the time.
Kids! The nanny's here!
Hey Dick, you're all dressed and ready!
You are a find.
That's Fergus.
My son.
I don't think so.
Fine.
You win this round.
But I don't want you having your kid with you
while you're on the clock.
Look at all the confusion it's already caused.
Do I need another--
There's a clean shirt in
your backpack in case...
you get another nosebleed.
Nosebleed?
Is there some part of you that doesn't leak?
Travis wanted to play that game where he pushes his
fist into my nose really hard without warning.
Honey, he punched you.
Just stay away from him, but if he does it again
bleed on him and tell him you have hepatitis.
C not B.
Okay, out to the car.
Mom, isn't it your turn to drive us to school?
Sarah's turn, my turn.
We'll never get to the bottom of this.
Let's just start fresh.
You take day one and we'll go from there.
Okay.
You're a bastard!
And I don't mean that in the way Patton called
Fieldmarshall Rommell a magnificent bastard,
I mean you don't have a father!
Ha ha!
That's not what bastard means!
My parents were married when I was--
Don't correct me, bastard!
Come back -- I'm supposed to bleed on you!
Dad!
What are you doing here?
I did the operation extra fast,
now let's go camping, son.
You always seem so tired.
Have you been checked for any of the
various hepatises?
You know they're working on a new one.
No, I'm just so busy all the time.
I wish I could be more like you.
How do you do it?
Well, it's all about time management.
What do you have on your schedule for today?
Oh there's vacuuming, then banking and I have to
take Fergus to the dentist.
A kid at school told him about the tooth fairy and
he got his hands on a pair of pliers last night.
Ha!
Kids and tools, right?
I asked Dick to install a ceiling fan in my room and
I swear it was like watching Helen Keller
do a puzzle.
Although that could be pretty entertaining.
I'm sure he tried his best.
What are you talking about?
Look, you can't go through life putting everybody
else's needs above yours.
You know what happens to people who do that?
What?
How would I know, but it's got to be bad.
I mean, look at you.
But everybody just needs so much help --
my son and my husband and you.
I can't just say "no" to everybody.
Of course you can.
You need to find yourself some 'me' time.
I wouldn't even know how to do that.
Then let me show you.
You can be my new project.
Really?
You'd do that for me?
Absolutely.
I'm going to teach you how to cut loose and throw
yourself a Sarah party.
Well I was invited to something pretty
crazy today but ...
Crazy's good.
Lead on.
Get it?
We like books, and in olden times there really
was a person named Booker T. Washington!
For the love of God stop talking to me.
A book club?
This is your idea of crazy?
You're right.
It's too much.
We should go.
You can't go yet -- things are about to get wild.
Ladies -- this week's book!
A collection of the author's mommy blogs!
Things that happened to her that also happened to us!
There's not a single surprise!
"Chapter One: My Son Outgrew His Jeans!"
(Laughter)
"Chapter Two: We Leave Before I Kill You All."
Fergus, can I call you Daddy?
Absolutely.
Uh...never mind.
I-I'm good.
Dammit.
Thanks for trying yesterday, but maybe we
should just give up -- I don't think that
I'm cut out for celebrating myself.
Are you kidding?
We are going to find a way for you to party so hard
they'll cancel your health insurance.
That...that...that doesn't seem good...
There's my lil angel - Who made you taller?
And black?
And a boy?
That's it.
That's who you need to be.
Really?
Sure -- look at her.
She's not stressed out worrying about other people.
She barely knows where she is.
Hey, I found some gum!
Look, the only thing wrong with that picture...
well, there's a lot wrong with that picture,
but she's got the right idea.
Let's party.
Right now.
I'll have you back here and sober by 3:20.
Are you in?
Hey, ya,I'm in!
Aren't you my kid's teacher?
I've got some high school kid who helps out in the class.
Trust me, she cares more than I do.
Sarah, I'm doing this for you.
I can't Rudi.
I already skipped yesterday's job list.
I can't skip today's.
You'd rather be a domestic slave than have fun?
Sally Ride didn't become the first space lesbian
so you could wash dishes.
The suffragists didn't found Suffragette City so
you could make sure Fergus' fly is zipped.
We owe it to those great and noble women
to get hammered right now!
Okay.
I'll do it!
The only thing I'm worried about is-- Woo-hoo!!
So I ripped this guy's heart out of his chest
extra fast, 'cause I wanted to get an early
start on my camping trip.
Where I also planned to kill some people.
Kid! Look out!
You love me!
What are you talking about?
You sound like a stripper I just punched in the mouth.
Do you want to go camping?
Okay, I changed my mind.
Get back in the road.
Alright!
Back on the bus, scum!
Hey! Leave him alone, he saved my life.
That still leaves him minus three on the whole
give-and-take a life scale, so nobody cares.
I do!
Woohoo!
Hey cutie, how'd you like a coupla backstage passes...
to the Tony award winning musical in my pants.
Cirrhosis isn't even real!
WooHoo! Ha ha ha!!
Hit him! Get him! Come on!
Woohoo!!! Go! Come on!
Wooo! Yay!!!
Who's in charge?
Go! Go! Go!
How did this even happen?
Who cares?
Are you having fun?
Yeah!
That's all that matters!
Okay, stop having fun!
Ladies, time to sweat out the booze!
♪
Good!
That'll help too!
Three nineteen.
Made it.
Did you enjoy that?
Are you kidding?
I never want this day to end!
That's them, officer.
Drinking since nine AM.
You don't have to thank me.
Parents and police have to....
RUDI! I'm going to have to ask you to blow, ma'am.
No dinner or drinks first?
Hahahahaha!
Yep.
Drunk as a nun.
But the nun I'm thinking of doesn't drink at all.
Have a nice day, ladies.
But... but...
they were being irresponsible.
They put motherhood second.
No.
We just proved that you can be a good mom
and still have fun.
Huh!
And tomorrow we're going to do it again
and be even crazier!
Uh...you sure?
Yeah!
We're going to buy drugs and burn things down
and hurt people!
Hurt them sooooo much!
Okay.
See you tomorrow.
Huh, good turnout. Now who's ready to kiss boredom goodbye?
WOOHOO! YAY!
All right, day two of teaching Sarah how to
shove some fun up her life!
The student has become the master!
You're scaring me a little.
And that makes me very proud.
I'd invite you to come along but, you know,
I hate you.
You know who's totally doable?
My brother.
You think I should call him?
No! /Yes!
Here's to me, bitches.
WOOOHOO!
(CHEERS)
Thank you, Rudi!
This is the best day of my life.
Except the birth of your kid, right?
Yea, eighteen hours of painful stomach crunches
and pooping myself a prolapse in front of
my husband and a bunch of strangers,
highlight of my life.
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I'm alive!
Hi!
So you wanna have a catch?
Kid, I'm very probably not your dad.
Now beat it!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
No fighting!
He started it.
You know the rules.
You both lose movie privileges.
And tonight's Finding Nemo.
Noooo!
Somebody just signed their death warrant!
Back on the bus!
I hate these damn screws.
This one's a total poopyhead.
Hey look!
Captive audience!
Oh, come on, Rudi.
Why don't we just pick up the kids and keep partying?
If the cops chase us again,
we can just throw the kids at them.
Part of learning to indulge yourself is
stopping before you die.
Because being dead makes it harder to order another round.
Well, I guess I see your point.
Good.
Now go home and sleep for a day.
Dick, Apple, get in the car.
Dick hasn't been in school for two days.
Dick, is that true?
Oh, now you're not talking to me?
Fine. We'll see who wins this game.
Bye, Rudi!
Thanks!
(car horn)
You pathetic lightweight!
Hahahahahahahaha!
Oh!
Good morning, Prison Daddy! I'm really glad we're getting to spend
all this time together.
Kid, you're not leaving me a lot of options here.
No offense, but I'm going to have to smother you.
With affection?
You've got something stuck in your back.
Here.
Hey.... I got full mobility in my kill hand back.
Thanks, kid.
Can you help me with my math homework?
I'll take a stab at it.
Because if I know anything,
it's that there's no problem that can't
be solved by stabbing.
Kids! Get down here!
I placed breakfast.
I had a weird night.
And I think my Mommy might be in heaven.
So where did you and your mommy go?
A lot of scary places.
Okay, what was the last one?
I don't remember.
I woke up on a pile of sausages and she was gone.
I wandered home and I knocked on the door
but she never came.
Are you sure you were at the right house?
No.
I'm usually not.
Well, I bet that's it.
You went to the wrong house, that's all.
Come on.
Dick, Apple, stay here until I get back.
Okay, Mom.
Dick, I can do this as long as you can.
Come on, Sarah's kid.
Sarah?
Uh-oh.
Fergus, you've got to try and remember.
Think, you little half-wit!
There were people yelling at me!
Bad men.
And there were snakes.
And there was a normal amount of gravity.
Okay, that last one's not going to help us much.
Bad men...snakes.
Wait, you woke up on sausages?!
This is how Uncle Danny says hello!
I knew it.
Fergus, did the bad men sort of sound like this?
Now is time for snake fight.
Ahhhh!
Are you him in a Rudi mask?!
Come-on.
Hello.
How is it I help you?
I did some research, and this is the only
Serbian place in town.
Yes, many franchise opportunities available
now you buy something.
Where's the snake room, Slobodon?
This convenience store, no snakes for combat
in secret basement.
Show me where the snake room is or I will club you
to death with this stale bread!
Fine, fine ... and bread is not past due,
is still good you know.
Sarah!?
Stay back!
Well, this can't be good for me to see.
It's OK, Sarah.
Time to come home.
I am home!
'Cause this is my house, baby!
What the hell are are you doing?
I'm having a blast!
And Fergus loves this!
That's not Fergus, it's a bottle of gin.
Pft.
I know the difference between a bottle of booze
and my own flesh and blood.
Come here and give Mommy a kiss, Fergie-wergie.
Sarah, this is crazy.
Indulging yourself is good.
Hell, it's great.
But being there for your kids is important too.
There's a middle ground between doormat
and snake fighter.
And that's where you belong.
Not here!
Also, that seriously is not Fergus.
You're lying.
And you know what happens to liars -
snake in the face!
Hi, Mommy.
Oh, my god, Fergie.
Are you all right?
What's happened to me!?
Don't worry, it's just booze and snake venom.
You'll be fine once we get your blood replaced.
Only way out is fighting against champion.
Fine.
Snakes versus Glock 38?
Let's see what happens.
No, Rudi.
I'll do it.
You were right.
I need to learn to stand up for myself.
Yea, I was really talking more like,
get a massage once in a while.
There he is!
Mom!
Help!
Fergus!
Come on, Fergie.
We're going home.
Can I bring this long legless puppy?
Thanks for coming and getting me, Rudi.
You did great, Sarah.
You really learned to stand up for yourself
--and have a little fun.
Thanks.
Maybe I can return the favor with a few pointers
about how to be a teeny-tiny bit more responsible.
That's sweet, but I think by this time I have
the whole mothering thing down cold.
I see. Thank you.
Excuse me.
I have to go get my ten-year-old
son out of prison.
I want to stay.
I'm not leaving you in a maximum security prison.
When you're an adult you can live wherever you want.
But until then I'm your mother.
But what about Cue Ball?
He's my friend.
And he protects me and shares his chow with me
and helps me stab my homework.
I don't want him to go away like Dad did.
Look, here's how it's going to play out.
I'm not going to tell anyone about your mistake.
Or drag your ass through the courts for the next decade.
Oh.
Strong opening gambit; you have my attention.
No.
In exchange, I get to drop my boy here to visit this
"Cue Ball" whenever I want.
The dangerous felon you've actually never met in person?
Don't make it sound weird.
That seems very reasonable.
Yes!
Free babysitting!
Thanks, Mom!
You're the best.
Really?
Yeah! I even got a tattoo to prove it.
Oh. My. God.
That is fantastic.
I got one too while I was out drinking with Sarah.
Huh.
Probably shouldn't have cheaped
out on the ampersand.
I can do this. HIYA!
Son of a bitch.
Hey, Sarah.
What are you up to?